This piece was written by Professional Coach Laura Burkey, who can be found
at http://www.lauraburkeycoaching.com
or Lauraburkey@mac.com. Ms. Burkey has been
married for three years and offers coaching to newly engaged and newly married couples.
Five Tips to a Strong Start in Your First Year of Marriage
You've found your dream partner, you're planning a dream wedding, and you're hoping for nothing less than a dreamy honeymoon.
Well why not -- you've earned it. You've invested time, effort, and a good amount of compromise, to have all you've
planned come off without a hitch.
So what are your plans for enjoying a dream marriage? Yes it is possible, and Yes, you have
to plan for it if you want to stick with the dream theme you've already started.
There is a lot to making a marriage work well, and, trust me, your first year of marriage
will not be short of tests to show you just what I mean.
Just as you wouldn't show up on your wedding day without having made any and all
the plans you did, don't start your marriage without some sort of planning for how
the two of you will grow and live together in love, respect, trust, friendship, and harmony.
While there is a lot to making a marriage great, here are five simple things you can do
now for a really strong start in your first year of marriage!
1. Talk about your Expectations.
Not of each other, but of the marriage you have just entered together. Aside from the
flowery vows you recite in the wedding ceremony, tell your partner exactly how you translate
those vows in your own words and ask what those vows mean to him or her personally. In other
words be clear with each other what kind of agreement marriage is and what you expect it will
and won't change once you are actually married.
2. Know what their needs are and share yours.
Find out what your partner will need to be their best as a husband (or wife) and
tell him/her what you think you'll need in the relationship so that you can be
your best, too. For example: "I need to be and feel listened to if I am to successfully
work through difficult issues that come along", "I need to feel appreciated if you want
help from me around the house", "I need to resolve conflicts between us before ending
the day or else I will be a mess until we do".
Note: Your spouse cannot be responsible for filling or meeting all of your needs.
So, when sharing needs, be sure that you also express to each other what needs
you can accommodate and which ones you think you may not.
3. Agree to disagree.
One of the most common tests in the first years of marriage is each spouse trying
to convert the other to do or think or feel the same as they do about everything, which
naturally leads to disagreements about -- everything. This is also known as the Power Struggle.
You can avoid this by starting your marriage with the agreement
that you can and will disagree with each other about how things
should or should not be and you will not to try to bend each other's
will to suit your own.
In situations where an agreement is a must for marital success, agree to step away
from your personal positions and come together to create a compromise that you both agree on.
4. Be a Team!
Marriage is not a game so don't keep score on who the better spouse is.
You are playing a game and are indeed a score-keeper if you regularly withhold saying
or doing something for your soon-to-be-spouse because he/she had (in your perception)
withheld in some way or another on you. This is how you break down a relationship, not
build one.
The goal in a great marriage is for each spouse to "be for" and root for the
other spouse. Never tire of finding ways in which you can understand your
spouse and help him/her understand you.
5. Forgive! Forgive! Forgive!
Learn this skill in your first year of marriage and count on years of happiness in return.
Those who cannot or won't forgive end up with a marriage that is filled with hurt and distrust
and spend most of their time consumed and blinded by resentment.
Allow and forgive the screw-ups and mistakes you are both likely to make, with the
expectation (of course!) that you both learn from the situation and not make it a habit.
To learn more about Laura Burkey, please visit her web site at http://www.lauraburkeycoaching.com.
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